up thinking

to no one in particular at the moment...but this has been weighing on my mind heavily for the past few years. and i'm usually quick to let things go, but this has been very hard for me to just let bygones be bygones.

forgive me i'm not a writer. i'm a mom...an emotionally invested mom who loves my children. someone who did not read every label or know ingredients in food. i never counted calories or sugars either or even dieted. i ate what i could, what was given to me, what i liked, etc. but that all changed when i got older and when i became a mom of two babies who were allergic. severely allergic.

it goes back to how our temple/preschool responded to some accidental nut incidences at the preschool. the negativity and the defensiveness. it wasn't personal...it was for the safety of children and for their students...it's part of their job, their mission. this put a bad taste in my mouth...it's been hard for me to continue friendships and feel safe in a place where my family and i should feel safe.

i grew up being a huge part of my temple and my religious background and my family's was very important to me. i had a bat mitzvah. i was confirmed. i taught sunday school. i was youth group president. i was on regional board. i went to conferences all over the us. i worked at jewish camps during summers. my jewish friends and background was very important to me. i felt comfortable and accepted and i wanted the same for my children. i couldn't wait to have them be part of an amazing community like mine.

i married an amazing jewish man by an amazing rabbi who was a huge part of my life as well. and we were excited to continue on the jewish traditions and become involved in the temple close to where we lived. we joined before we had kids. we paid dues. we went to services.

i was on the preschool board. the temple board. i was starting to feel a part of the community and something great....but then i walked into my daughter's 4 year old classroom and there were walnuts on the table. i asked politely to remove them. they didn't get it at first. then they removed them. i brought the concern to the director. no apology just defensiveness. i was not loud, but i was pretty emotional. she was 4. she was with preschoolers who don't understand. i wanted to trust the teachers, the school this new community i was part of. i tried to educate them, but i was told i was being gossipy and rude. i asked for advice, but was shut out. i was told i was being a bully. i tried to bring up at board meetings and was told it wasn't important to discuss. the teacher said if anything happened they would just inject them with an epi. that they were trying to be nut free, but still no apology or feeling that they cared...they were taking it personally.

this went on for months. going to the temple board. trying to make nut free rooms and zones. they finally made a nut free policy. which was stricter than we wanted, but made us feel better. but then everything was a huge ordeal and 'our' fault when it was hard to find hamentaschen or desserts etc. no one saw it as other temples and schools saw it - hey - if we can keep any kid safe lets do it. let's put the no gun sign up. lets not leave knives out. let's not let them run into the street. let's not bring in pb or nuts for those kids that are severely allergic. we werent' asking for no sesame or egg...

these issues have had to come up before. the run around and 'you need to prepare your kids for the real world' were the hardest comments. i had to be an advocate for my kids. it is a learning process. i am not the best with words or expressing myself, but trying to tell someone that this could potentially kill my child...i would think that something would strike close to my community...that they would try. maybe not have peanut butter every sunday morning. there were baby steps. no nuts for shabbat services. trying to be more careful for making sandwiches for the homeless...cleaning up but still using pb. the mother daughter tea was still using pb.

i know people thought i was overreacting.

i still have an uneasy feeling. i don't feel that this temple is my community is a safe place. i helped work on the mission statement that says they will welcome everyone and make them feel safe....

i redesigned logos, websites, volunteered many hours...i believed in this community and these people. was i naive. have i been too trusting and naive all these years.

i've overcome a lot being adopted into a jewish family and people not fully understanding that i was raised jewish...i get looks at the temple already...but my kids are innocent. they want to feel safe and give them a comfortable place. where they can run and talk to the rabbi. or stay and eat. or run around and play and not worry about pb smeared on the bench. or a kid touching them after eating their bagel. they live with that fear every day with every bite...give them a safe place besides our home. help me. i thought i was calm and asked nicely...maybe i needed to be more aggressive and less passive. my role as advocate for my children was new in this situation. no one is perfect. but don't fault my children.

i want them to be jewish. i want them to grow up with great morals and values, but how can i raise them with those things when i'm unable to show them unconditional love and trust from their community...

i learned so much about forgiveness and moving on and love...about myself from sermons and stories and others...i want the same for my kids. but i just don't know if this is the place for us.

have i ruined it for them. i have tried to protect them from this from knowing what has been going on from seeing this struggle. but they are smart. they pick up on stuff.

rabbi weiss said last week in a speech to keep moving...maybe it's time for us to move on. either let go and know where we stand and continue or move on and try to find a different community.

maybe my expectations are too high because i had a great experience. maybe i'm selfish because i want to share that with my kids...for them to have a positive experience with religion and people.

yes these are the thoughts that go on in my mind.

the second i walk in now i get an uneasy feeling. i see the big jar of pb. i see the stares. i see the kids eating their pb and running around all over. they are happy. they feel safe. i wish that for my kids. if they were in wheel chairs. or missing limbs. or disfigured or autistic...would they be treated better or different? is our temple cult like...am i part of the problem. do i accept everyone. i know you can't make everyone happy and you have to draw some lines.

my temple i grew up in is nut free. many temples are nowadays. they say why risk it. they have nut aware signs. it's not a big deal. they move on.

why is it so hard. why do i feel like i have to struggle for my kids...

many teachers have been understanding and many friends have been too - don't get me wrong. they've been amazing and we've been lucky.

i love my kids unconditionally no matter what. i will do anything i can to protect them. i feel helpless against their food allergy sometimes. i can't just jump in front of the bus for them. i can't hide them away from this...they have to be aware. they have to know. i can't try something first even for them because i don't have the allergy.

but i don't want them to live in fear. it's a hard balance. we work very hard at it. but when people don't cooperate and help me help them. it puts up a road block.

i could have run away years ago. but i also don't want my kids to run away when things get rough...so many lessons. before kids i would have said forget this...and left. it's not worth it. but now i feel like i need to educate and help others. i want to teach my kids to move forward move past it. but i'm struggling. i don't want anything to happen to them. and it just might not be worth that risk anymore.

ok rant over. i know we are so lucky in so many ways. but some days are just hard.

they can't eat the birthday cake. they can't eat the dessert. can't can't can't....i try to make them stuff and show them all they can eat. try to make it positive. i really hope some day they realize that. and that it is not the reason i have put them in therapy :)